43 lines
No EOL
3.4 KiB
JavaScript
43 lines
No EOL
3.4 KiB
JavaScript
let regularStartQuotes = [
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"The DRACC is BACC with another midnight report!",
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"The clock striketh twelve, and the world’s only number-sucking vampire cometh with another report on your midnight progress!",
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"…Ugggh, my back hurts from sleeping in this old coffin! `*loud cracking noise*` Damn thing’s going to bend my spine into a knot if I don’t replace it soon. Anyways, here is your progress so far:",
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"Good evening, my underlings, it’s your friendly neighborhood genderbending vampire with another midnight report!",
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"Grumble mumble mumble, had a terrible sleep today. I need some more nUMBERS, my children!",
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"Back just in time for the midnight report! I apologize for the haphazard appearance, my dog Count von Corgo insisted on an early-evening walk in the park— wait, you can’t see me on Slack, can you? I COULD BE WEARING MY BIRTHDAY SUIT AND NO ONE WILL NOTICE IT! OHOHOHOHO!",
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"WHO DARETH WAKE ME FROM MY SLUMBER— oh. it’s the statistical report. Riiiight.",
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"I feel like _crap_ today. Woke up five times in the middle of the night because I thought I heard a mosquito buzzing by my ear. Shouldn’t have sucked human blood yesterday. \n OH SHIT I SHOULDN’T BE TELLING YOU GUYS THAT—"
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]
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let regularEndQuotes = [
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"Ah, a refreshing cocktail of numbers, topped with a squeeze of lime juice, makes me feel a lot better, ready to seize the night! Or suck the life out of it! ~hahaha pun totally not intended~",
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"Yum, these numbers are delicious! `*excited vampire slurping sounds*`",
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"Yes, my lackeys, yes! Now can you multiply that increase by ten? I know y’all can do this! I know it! I crave it!",
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"I’m savoring this consistent flow of numbers, my servants! Keep me sated… or else I might turn to blood…. *_heheheheh_*",
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"My minions, I am feeling famished! You must give me _MORE_!",
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"MORE NUMBERS, MY LACKEYS! MORE!! MWAHAHAHAHA!",
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"My oh my, there are too many numbers to consume! I'll have to store some in my freezer to save for another day.",
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"Someone by the name of Orpheus has told me that these numbers go well with a mint chocolate chip sundae! I'll have to try that one day. Unfortunately, the nearest supermarket is two hours away and I'm too lazy to fly there..."
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]
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function addQuotes(message, rawGoals, rawSpeed) {
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let start = regularStartQuotes[Math.floor(Math.random() * regularStartQuotes.length)]
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let end;
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let goals = Math.ceil(rawGoals[1]);
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let days = rawGoals[0];
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let speed = Math.round(rawSpeed);
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let diff = goals - speed;
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if (goals <= 0) {
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end = `:tada: YOU DID IT, MY LOYAL SERVANTS! YOU'VE REACHED OUR GOAL ON TIME! :tada: But there's still loads of time before we reach a million-- let's keep up the pace!`
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} else if (diff < 10) {
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end = `You're doing well, my lackeys! Keep up that speed of at least *+${speed}* if you want to reach that goal! You have *${days}* days remaining to get there!`
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} else if (diff > 10 && diff < 1000) {
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end = `Still room to improve your performance, my underlings-- you're only at *${speed}* a day! Get that speed up to at least *+${goals}* to get there on time! You have *${days}* days left!`
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} else if (diff > 1000) {
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end = `You're slogging behind, my minions! Only *${speed}* a day? RiDONKulous! Get that speed up to at least *+${goals}* to get there on time! Hurry up!!! You have *${days}* days left to get there!`
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}
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// let end = regularEndQuotes[Math.floor(Math.random() * regularEndQuotes.length)]
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return start + "\n" + message + "\n" + end;
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}
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module.exports = addQuotes; |